Hot Tub Omellete!

The Topic of the day: Bones vs. Chumps!

Missy, Cory and I have been debating the true distinction between bones and chumps and I thought I’d share our findings with everyone. Here ’tis:

bone (bOHn) - An overly-generic but not-so-obvious dork with awkward, if any, social skills. A bone is a derivative of boner, and one can call anybody a boner.

chump (chUMp) - No-neck meatstick prone to unexplained fits of beer chugging and chest baring. Relying heavily on style that utilizes “Fwwwwwings”* and “Yeeeaaaah!”’s* (points to open chest). When in the presence of chumps, one can expect at least one rage outbreak and the need to call paramedics, the likelihood of this increases with consumption of alcohol.

*Other necessary definitions:

Fwwwwwings - the upward and outward hyper-gelled styling of the “man-bangs”

Yeeeaaaah!s - unbuttoned shirts revealing a regularly shaved (and sometimes oiled) chest normally accompanied by said chump pointing to chest while nodding and proclaiming to everyone “Yeah!”

Is anybody else really sick of the whole pirate trend going on (I know one person is)? Is this some weird viral marketing off-shoot of the release of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies the past few years, or just a reason for dudes to dress up in bandanas and jewelry under a semi-normal guise (Josh - looking for some input)? Seriously. Before all this business about scurvy and scallawags, Lutwin and I enjoyed the machinations of a certain purveyor of all things ninja, with much tongue-in-cheek. It was funny, and it brought to my attention the brilliant functionality and versatility of the word “pork” But still, I think it ran its course and I was sick of the website after about ten minutes. Except the movie scripts, because those were hilarious.

So what’s the next phase for the ironic character-seeking set? What type of character deserves its time in the sun?

I’m going to be bold, and propose something that should’ve come to prominence much sooner than pirates or ninjas. Vikings.

Sure, you’ve got the random biker that has the sweet helmet with horns, and people in Minnesota, but where’s the Viking-themed party that involves marauding and pillaging? Where are the chalices of mead and burning pyres of a Viking funeral?

P.S. - This will be the scene featured on one side of my awesome van.

Sidebar: Three Things Cory will buy soon:

1. Van

2. Porsche

3. Wii

4. (alternate) Burrito

Happy Tuesday Dudes!

Ok. For about three years I’ve had a very slow decline of hair on my upper crown region. For probably 7/8’s of that time, I’ve passed off the thinning as a natural progression to which somewhere down the road, I’d just have a patch of light hair about yamulke size. I lived in denial, and spent hours staring at the back of my father’s head to compare similar spaces. Don’t tell me it comes from my mother’s side, that’s a farce. It’s true, I am going bald. No matter how slow, no matter how fast, it’s happening. There’s a fright here that I am not ready to face. Going gray? No sweat. Arthritis? Only hurts a little. Hair on my shoulders? I can handle that. In our society, how is baldness looked at? As I run my hand through my spotty curls, I realize how much is missing from the top. When you see me walking towards you, it looks ok, full with plenty of volume. But say I go by and you are reminded of something, and maybe you turn to catch my attention, and you see it, the thing that’s missing…hair. Do I sound like an asshole? Vain and unappreciative? Someone asked me a few weeks ago if I’d rather have a beard or a full head of hair? I think I’d go for the latter.
I spent a few days looking at some options. Toupee? I am not that conceited. Rogaine? Maybe, but does it work? And if it did, do you really think there would be any bald men walking around? Yes, cancer and bear attacks and white hots are all fates much worse than balding. Then again, I’m not facing any of them. At 26, this is the biggest blow I’ve ever taken to my vanity. Molly says she doesn’t care and my mother doubts the spot’s existence, both conclusions of which I cannot accept. What happens to bald people when they die? What happens to bald people when the snow starts falling? Do I start doing the whole head shave? Do I really care? If I cringe everytime I sit down in front of someone, does that constitute my thinking, or their’s?
As a teen, I used to joke to myself, saying that it would never happen to me. I’ve let my hair grow for about 3 months now, and every night I think that I should either cut off because it looks like I am trying to hide something, or let it grow because it may be my last time to enjoy. It makes me sick to think this way, to think only of myself and such a superficial problem. I will say this. When I go completely horseshoe bald, I will grow a backside ponytail, just like Danny Devito in Twins. I love that movie, and that hairstyle.

Cory, Missy and I have been chatting today and one particular subject came up that got me thinking… and I want to open this up for discussion with everyone:

If the guy/girl you’re dating suggests a place to go - albeit a restaurant, bar, movie, etc. - that you absolutely hate and have no desire to experience EVER, is that enough to end the relationship right then and there?

Granted, there is a degree of snobbery involved here and I’ll gladly admit to that. I hate chain restaurants and douchebag bars. But if I get asked to go to Applebee’s for happy hour in Portland fucking Oregon ever again, I think I’ll be justified when I laugh in that person’s face and go somewhere way cooler. I think the same applies for everyone no matter where you are - Boston, Kansas, Chicago, E.L.O.

So, has anyone else experienced this? How did you react? If not, how do you think you would respond?

I’ve come to the conclusion that Drumm and Charles are the extent of our visitors this year. And I’m not disappointed - jetfuel prices are higher than ever before, and plane capacity has been sharply reduced to help the airlines cut costs. So what does that mean? Besides having to pay $1000 to get to Portland from any major airport, it also means that its time to come up with some creative ways to get here.

So if you’ve got a bit of free time, and want to enjoy the warm summers of the PacNW, here’s a few ideas to get you out here:

Easy Ideas:

1. Amtrak - a ticket from Boston to Portland departing on July 20th costs $314 and requires 46 hours of travel

ALTERNATIVE: hitch a ride on a freight train. Most trains leaving the east coast make a rendesvous with one of several different depots - Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Louis - from there, you can find one of many working to the West Coast - I’d suggest anything with Union Pacific, as they have a huge granary here in Portland and many of their trains will be shipping grain.

2. Greyhound - a ticket from Boston to Portland, OR costs $209 and takes three days.

ALTERNATIVE: hitchhike. I mean, seriously, who hasn’t wanted to experience life on the open road, hitching from car to car, meeting all sorts of weird people, and eventually ending up in the place you want to be? This would be a good option for Wade, as he’s the one out of all of us who looks most like a murderer.

3. Freight Flights - I’ve seen several thrift stores peddling old fedex and UPS shirts as a hip new trend. If you had any balls, you’d buy one, and the mandatory purple or brown shorts, and hop on a fedex freight flight. Your first stop will most likely be Columbus, OH or Memphis, TN, but hey, you’re halfway there! And shit, since you made it the first leg, the 2nd leg will be just as easy!

4. Steal a car - True, you’ll need money for gas, but if you do it right, you should be able to steal both a car and someone’s wallet/purse. If you do, though, be sure to immediately stop at a gas station and buy as many gas cards as possible before they freeze the account. Then, ditch the card, pull into a grocery store parking lot, swap the plates, and get back out on the road. Simple hints - steal license plates of a car that is similar to yours (Explorer to Explorer, civic to civic, etc.) so that if cops pull you over, you can just say, “oh, you know what, I had this painted, and I didn’t report it to my insurance. So fuck off, Marty Zellner.” (full disclosure: Marty Zellner was the cop that pulled me over in Texas)

5. Buy a bike and get going! - Wade, you bought those ultra-tight jeans way back about a year ago here in Portland, and you did so because you wanted a pair of pants that “wouldn’t get caught in your bike chain.” Well now’s your chance - grab that sweet mountain bike from Josh’s house, oil up the chain, pack a change of undies and some shorts and start pedaling. You can take Route 20 (of 5 and 20 fame) all the way to Oregon.

6. Sail - what good is the Erie Canal these days? Nobody ships anything on it anymore, so why not pick up a real sweet rig (14 foot CrisCraft is my suggestion), tool down to Albany, catch the Hudson to NYC, then out to sea. Granted, it’ll be a helluva haul to Panama and back up, and its the height of storm season, but damn if it isn’t a great story to tell the grandchildren…from heaven!

7. Horse-sail - Buy a horse, put a carrot on a stick in front of it, and harness a kite/sail/hangglider to a rope connected to the horse. Watch as the horse, determined to get that carrot, whisks you off for some sky-sailing fun, all the way across the country.

Get baked (or don’t) and watch this (or don’t) if you have some free time this weekend.  You have till it premieres on Sunday night.  Come on, its got Judah Friedlander and that Merman dude!  Binary solos!

 http://www.hbo.com/conchords/index.html

This girl I hooked up with the other night asked me to describe myself in ten words or less.  This is what I didn’t say to her: “Funny and aloof, with a penchant for breaking and entering.”

I am now into my third day and third hour of proctoring Regents exams.  Today is the first day of the six-hour English Language Arts test that asks students to write four essays of which I will then have to grade at the close of the exam.  Testing.  I am writing my Master’s thesis on the ills of Standardized Testing (almost done) and I’m currently a participant in the process.  Talk about your major episodes of irony.  When my older sister Beth was in 11th grade, the Chemistry regents was discovered stolen somewhere in Brooklyn, which meant that the entire state of New York was exempt from the test.  I bet Null would have cried in agony if that happened.  In all, New York State students must pass nine sequenced Regents exams in order to graduate from high school.  And these kids are in front of me and just laboring over this shit.  When I was a sophomore, I got a 64 on the French regents.  One point from passing.  One point!  My mom flipped out on me and I had to go beg the French teacher to help me out.  Of course she refused.  I had made up a certain nickname for her that had gone public only a week before the test.  I saw the hatred in her eyes when she laid down the exam in front of me.  She could have put the score on it prior to me taking it.  Two amazing things result from this story.  #1 This same same teacher is now the French teacher at the school where I currently teach!  And #2, as a result of my failing grade, I took French again as a junior, saving me from having to take a semester of language in college.

The bottom line?  It’s 88 degrees outside and teachers and students alike are stuck in a windowless building.  I love teaching, but I hate education.

Fare sales in effect on Southwest and other assorted airlines.  The latest prices below for flights leaving Mon July 23 and returning Sat July 28th:

ROC - PDX (via Kayak.com) - $493 (ouch!)

BOS - PDX (via Kayak.com) - $469 (double ouch!)

ILM (New Hanover County, NC) - PDX - $458 (yeesh!)

ATL - PDX (via Kayak.com) - $517 (huh?)

 I would heavily advise everyone to check Southwest, check JetBlue, and keep an eye on flights.  If someone needs a discount, I think I have a Continental voucher for like $75, but you’d have to book through Continental.com and do it soon…

 UPDATE:  Outside of Lutwin, Drumm and Chaz, how about we try getting a concrete idea if anybody else is going to come out?  Rich?  Wade?  Davide?  Green Nintendo 64 Controller that was stolen freshman year of college?  “It’s Your Best Work Yet” Monkey?  Anybody?

 SECOND UPDATE:  Hello?  Am I on?  Am I on?  Man, bag this noise!

 Cory

I don’t have too say much about that…