Less Tingle to your Dingle

Jesus christ, I just got on Yahoo’s mainpage, and there’s some little animagraphic with kids waiting for a bus and some dog on a skateboard.

Far be it from me to downplay the brilliance of any dog on any type of sporting equipment, but I think it was the fact that I saw this little thing on July 23rd that was most disconcerting…

I mean, seriously? “Back To School” fever is already taking hold? That’s the time when moms yell across wal-mart asking what kind of pens you want, Wade has his fingers crossed that he’ll finally get that Wally Joyner Topps folder so every day in English class (with Mrs. Baker?) he can dream about the time that Joyner tied Daryll Strawberry in the Home Run Derby, and Josh pastes cut-out pics of himself, Dan Majerle and Gwen Stefani shaking hands at Madison Square Garden inside his trapper keeper.

What did I do as a school warm-up? Well, hmmm, besides compiling the usual bag of drug-rep pens and piles of post-it pads with “Levitra” and “Clonazapine” written across the top, I normally would obsess over where my classes were and who was going to be in them. I’d hope my study halls had really hot girls that were new to Canandaigua, I’d hope that I’d never have to be on the “skins” team in gym class, and I’d hope that i’d be getting drunk before a dance or two…

Jared’s last two weeks of summer were solely devoted to deciding whether he should get “normal” or “college-ruled” notebook paper.

But don’t get me wrong - I love “Back to School” time - when the August nights are getting just a bit chilly, so that you had to wear a hooded sweatshirt to the field party, and the sunshine seems a little bit less direct, but right now it’s the heat and heart of Summer. Retailers need to cool it with this shit. Walgreens has their christmas shit out after halloween, Easter after Valentine’s day, and now “Back to School” not even a month or so after school has officially let out…

Let the kids enjoy their time off. Shit, they spend 6-8 hours a day trying to absorb all this information, all while they’re dealing with hormones, boners, boobs, weiners, talking on the phone, whether to go all the way with Craig Zajak (Kellie Coleman!), wrestling for Fowler, Mad Dog Training Camp, stepping in Chad Willardson’s line on the putting green, and millions of other things that I can’t think of right now…

The moment of my life I’m about to share is in response to Lutwin’s story a couple months ago.

There was a point in time when I was dating a girl who I will refer to as ‘X’ because that is what she currently is. You could say that X had a bit of a jealous streak in her. Say it, now.

I’ll start with the backstory…

Within the first few weeks of moving to Portland, I met a random assortment of people. It was great to immediately meet new, potentially interesting people in a new city. And what was the most exciting aspect about this? They were mostly girls, and they were approaching me! Coming from Rochester, this was a big deal because I would rarely meet a female who I was even remotely interested in.

Now let’s not get the wrong idea here, I wasn’t tossing my tongue around willy-nilly, I was simply meeting new people. Granted, there was a makeout session in SF prior to PDX and a Double Dragon assault carried out by myself and Joshua. I’m just saying, let’s not blow this out of proportion. It’s not that I was screwing around with girls, it was the mere excitement of actually being noticed that really revved my engine (and ego).

Josh and I were in the same boat. No job, new city, let’s rock. Within the first few weeks of living in Portland, I had met a small handful of young women, one of whom was X. A little bit of dancing, some light conversation and a phone number was exchanged. Hot girl, great night, let’s sleep it off. The following night (I think), Josh and I were out (let’s rock) and a couple of girls sat with us at our table. They started to chat us up, the one girl was showing Josh her photos while the other was talking to me about NYC (oh jeez) and her photography. I will refer to her as girl ‘T’ because I’m pretty sure that her name began with an ‘M’. Apparently T had a photo on a billboard in Times Square - well good for her.

We talked with the girls for what was no more than an hour. The conversation ended, they said goodbye, stood up and left the bar. Five minutes later, T’s friend came back into the bar, approached me and asked “T wants to know if she can have your phone number?” Pow! So of course, I handed over my 10 digits. Later that night, T sent me a text regarding my smile. She was right. She invited me to a party the next night, but I already had plans. And that was the last time I ever saw T.

There’s the backstory, on to the finale.

(more…)

Yo dudes, give me your thoughts about the cover for my new single, “Josh and Geo…BEST BUDS!”

Hello fellow nerds,

What do Charles, Kevin, and 10 kids under the age of 11.5 have in common? We were all Transfomers on Sunday afternoon. We were also joined by my good friend Joe Pizzo who some of may have fond memories of from Bonaventure. I thought retelling this circa 1984 tail would be difficult. Michael Bay has to give us the action and true to cartoon story that will please generation x and keep the movie kiddish enough for the kids who will undoubtly buy the merchandise. I have to say I was impressed by the movie. The action is unbelievable and will leave you wanting more. It does have some cheesier moments that probably could have been avoided. Personally I felt it called to adolescent charles we all new from the days of yor. I defy you not to get a smile when you see the red tractor trailor pull up and transform in front of you. At least for a few minutes I felt like I was 6 again. PS. being 6 was a much better memory than being 13 and having my head put against a locker or being 20 and prematurely ejaculating. As an added benefit I belive the voice of Optimus Prime was same voice from the cartoon. All and all I highly recommend going. It may not be the best movie you will see. But you will make you feel young again. Now where is the spell check on this application. Jared?

Missy’s Kickball Haikus from Jared Moran and Vimeo.

my favorite new band…

http://www.timothysaccenti.com/main_data/video/33.mov

i tried uploading the actual mp3 but this damn backend system won’t let me…. JARED!

their whole LP rocks. “MIRRORED”

My bags are packed, my dog is boarded, and now I just have to await the arrival of my 6:20am flight tomorrow morning. Be safe, and I’ll catch you on the left coast.