Cut the shit and part your hair

Well folks, after 6 years of long searching, my days without a Larry Johnson poster are over. I sobbed for an hour when this thing finally got to my house.

Cory look!

This is soooooo AWESOME!

Dude, ya got a sec?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude, RAIDERS GAMEeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/clo/432997252.html

I’m not sure how they new about me but

http://flynnproductions.com//flynn/media/clips_full/433.mov

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/roo/428317483.html

Ladies and Gentlemen, well done. I launched the latest version of shivm on April 9, 2007 and since then we’ve written 100 posts.  Not too shabby, keep it up!

I experienced a real cozy evening last Thursday with a bonged-out J.M. and a couple of Olympia tall boys.  Honestly, one of my favorite situations in the house, is when you are just going to relax on the couch and catch a flick on the UPN or WB.  It happened once when Null (Orange Shorts!) and I caught the last half of some Keenu Reeves - You’ve Been Double Crossed by Morgan Freeman And You’re Shit Out of Luck in Chicago - Hold on to The Ledge of This Bridge Because We are Going To Raise It, Mang - feature film.  Just great stuff.  Sitting back and squeezing out a couple of silent farts that eventually climb up Cory’s (Flip Flops!) leg hair and make him squirm is a beautiful thing.

First things first though, I had to talk Moran out of challenging me in Madden 2005.  I didn’t want to take him to that special place in the condition he was in.  That place where even my back-up Punter throws an 80 yard bomb as time expires in the 3rd quarter.  Oouch!

 Anyways, after the brief party in the kitchen, we both plopped onto the couch and I threw it into high gear blasting past every one of our 4 channels until I came across Wesley Snipes clinging to a tree out on bayou with Robert Downey, Jr. approaching slowly in an unbelievably dapper suit, gun cocked - clocking in with Tommy Lee Jones over the CB. Roger.  Honestly, I don’t know how Robert Downey J could spot Snipes in that dense forest.  The only thing I would have been aware of was a bottle of Calamine lotion and the Poison Ivy crawling up my balls.

Commercial!

Every 3 minutes and 45 seconds there was a commercial and I would flip the channels, but miraculously end up back on U.S. Marshals as it got underway again.

Snipes changed costumes at least a half dozen times with my favorite being a full blown straightened afro and three piece suit.  No way was the dude that looked exactly like Judge Reinhold going to spot him at that funeral in that graveyard in NYC in New York in America.

Speaking of Judge Reinhold look-alike: His shining moment was when RDJr crapped all over his afternoon by shooting him in the throat.  No Happy Hour for him :(  Unfortunately, he was lost on the way to the ambulance, and we all knew Bob Downey was a dirty cop, yetstill a handsome man.

This is where I chimed in to Moran that the rest of the U.S. Marshals should hold a, ‘Typical Cop Drama Seance,’ after they solve the case, raising a glass to Judge Reinhold look-alike.

‘Are you Judge Reinhold?’

The other stupid point I wanted to make is that I think there are some really spectacular moments in these films that obviously were overlooked when we originally saw them in the theater fifteen years ago (Passenger 57).

A film I will always recommend is a feature directed by Academy Award winner Clint Eastwood.  It’s not ‘Pink Cadillac’, or ‘Dirty Harry’, or that one with the chimpanzee or the one with Tim Robbins and Sean Penn(is) - nope - it’s called ‘Bloodwork’ - which is an honest-to-God portrayal of how Clint Eastwood spends his summers in Los Angeles.  Check it out Lutwin!

Have you seen this movie? Don’t bother. Mark Wahlberg is the nation’s best sniper and after a mission in Egypt where the government leaves him for dead, Marky Mark leaves the funky bunch and lives with his cats in the high mountains of western Wyoming. Danny Glover comes with an enlarged upper lip and convinces Mark to help them devise a plan to kill the president in order to catch the real attempted assassins. So he goes through all the motions and at the last second he realizes it’s a set up. Kudos to Ned Beatty for getting the balls out of his ass and playing a U.S. Senator, which had to be a tough campaign seeing as how he’s had sex with a man in his past. So Mark is on the run and his only help is from the same FBI guy he slammed in the street during his getaway. Then it turns into this whole big oil operation and a bunch of people were killed and Marky Mark almost has sex with his old partner’s fiance and finally it ends with a blood bath where the quick talking wahlberg ends all of his problems with one fell swoop.

Murph. This kid loves the CIA and IA and the FBI and all that shit. I think he might be Jack Bauer for Halloween. I just can’t stand this shit. Is everything a conspiracy? The fact that about 20 people die on American soil was too sensational for me. What has happened to movie making? It’s fucking crazy! It’s all these gigantic plots with huge sweeping stories that people gets lost during but don’t care as long as some sniper offs a dude using only a film canister and the phone number of some slutbag he just got down the street. Where is the craft of acting, the love? The breaker was after the assassination when some bigshot FBI guy says “I want the banks of this river combed five minutes ago!” Man, I just think of the writing in Macbeth where the title character spends a whole night just contemplating the murder of his beloved king. You see him wrestle with it and the outside influences hellbent on breaking him. Movies today fucking suck, or maybe it’s just the movies that murph dog picks. The whole time I’m just pointing things out in my head that I don’t like. It’s about characterization, then plot, then shock, not in reverse order. Give some movies to see, because at this point I’m only watching documentaries because they are really the only thing I can actually attach myself to. I mean of course Murph loved it, but I think I would have rather been in John Jaunzems class reading Beowulf in Middle English.

that says “I’ll listen to your complaints”? What the fudge? This is why I don’t talk to people at school. If i stop and say hello, chances are these clowns will whine about how big their 3rd block class is, or how many of their students aren’t behaving. Get with it! Everyone has the same problems and I don’t want to add avoiding you to my list of them. What’s with my roommate? Stop talking to yourself when I’m in the room! It’s fucking scary! What’s with school lunch? Why is it Ala Carte for teachers so that I never know how much it will cost to get a chicken patty and some mashed potatoes. What’s with our soccer team? Why do you guys suck? What’s with my parking pass? 096 is my least favorite number! What’s with the Croc rule? Why can’t I wear them?

Last night while I was watching what is unequivocally the BEST show on television (purely for the obscene amount of absurdity), CSI: Miami, I caught yet another hilarious ad for Cialis. No matter how many times I see these ads, and I think Cory can attest to this, I can’t get over the background music that way too closely resembles a cartoon erection. Bweeee-nooooooo!

You see, Cialis let’s you get a boner now… or later! Oh what a relief, no more embarrassment when my Viagra kicks in the lighting section of Home Depot. Phew! I hope you all agree with me that it’s friggin hilarious that there are now so many commercials literally advertising boners. Sing it with me, Bweeee-nooooooo!

But that’s besides the point. What really bugged me about the ad is ED itself. Erectile Dysfunction. Is the peter really being dysfunctional, or is this just a term cooked up by Big Pharma? I know I’m not being very profound and I think I already answered my question, but this is just ridiculous. Once you get up there in age, give the wiener a rest, man - it has met it’s quota and it is now time to rest. This is basically the new baldness in that if you can’t awaken the sleepy soldier on demand, then your masculinity is in utter peril. What a bunch of shit.

The Rolling Stones used to be really cool, now they’re just old. The same goes for you old dudes. I’m sure your boners were great back in their day, but it’s time to give it a rest.

Yeah I’m late to the party to argue this, but I don’t care because it didn’t bother me until last night.

My peter is fine, by the way.

I pulled my quadricep last night playing kickball.  Yes, kickball.  I’m hobbling around like I blew out my knee, all because my uncanny quickness on the basepaths has ravaged my legs.  But the good news was, I had the game-winning RBI…in the first inning.